Bats better than Batman? Holy guano!

As a semi-pro journalist, I constantly receive press releases pushing this or that agenda. I probably spend about 20 minutes a day on the tedious task of clearing my inbox of e-mails telling me how we can save the earth if we all give up plastic spoons or how Barack Obama plans to convert America to animism and doesn’t support the troops because he can’t name five characters from the GI Joe cartoon.

Every once in a while, I get a press release that catches my interest, such as the one that I recently received from the National Wildlife Federation titled “Bats Better than Batman Anytime.” According to the release, “We have thousands of little heroes saving us every night — it’s just a matter of knowing why bats are equally awesome (even more so) than Batman.”

I agree that a winged mammal is probably cooler than that guy from the ’60s TV series who looked like your dad in a Halloween costume and is probably dead even with George Clooney and Val Kilmer, but I have doubts about whether a flying rat ranked higher on the awesomeness scale than Christian Bale or Michael Keaton.

I decided to compare the National Wildlife Federation’s claims about bats against Batman’s record of fighting crime and making Warner Bros. big pots of money.

The National Wildlife Federation claims bats are just as cool as Batman because they take out thousands of pests. According to the organization, a small brown bat can eat up to 1,000 mosquitoes per hour, and should be credited as a natural way to eliminate harmful insects. While this is helpful, I have to give the advantage to Batman, because he managed to pump about $40 million into the Chicago economy during the filming of “The Dark Knight.” Natural deterrents for mosquitoes are nice, but fat paychecks for workers can buy a lot of fly swatters.

Another benefit of bats is that they help produce things like mangoes and tequila. According to the National Wildlife Federation, bats’ role in dropping seeds and pollinating certain plants help in the cultivation of mangoes and agave, a crop from which tequila is made. I don’t care for tequila myself, but without the Cuervo Gold making tonight a wonderful thing, Warner Bros. would probably be making a delightful summer comedy about my life titled “The 29-Year-Old Virgin,” so I suppose I have to give bats a point on this.

Yet another point that the National Wildlife Federation argues is proof of bats’ superiority to the Caped Crusader is the fact — I kid you not — that even their poop is helpful. According to the organization, bat guano makes great fertilizer and is the sole habitat for some animal species. To quote the National Wildlife Federation, “That’s the making of a real hero — when even poop has helpful qualities.”

Upon reading this I thought that surely Batman’s boo-boo has some qualities. At the very least, it’s got to be more effective than Aqua Man or Apache Chief. To find out, I decided to call Warner Bros. publicist for “The Dark Knight.” After talking with several publicists, I was referred to publicist Susan Shapiro. I left the following nice message on her voice mail.

“Hey Susan, my name is Jim Cook, I’m a reporter for the Dothan Eagle, and I’m doing some research on a press release the National Wildlife Federation sent out comparing bats to Batman, and one of the allegations they made is that even bats’ poop is helpful and uh, it says that bats’ poop is helpful and that none of the Batman’s poop is helpful and I was just wondering if you could address this issue.”

Surprisingly, Ms. Shapiro has not called me back. Apparently, saying you’re with the Dothan Eagle doesn’t quite get Hollywood publicists to snap to attention as quickly as it does candidates running for dogcatcher in Geneva County.

Without conclusive expert advice to clear up this issue, I’m forced to concede that while bats don’t fight crime or use really cool gadgets, they certainly have the ability to make cynical newsfolk take notice of a press release, which probably ought to rank as a superpower.

Eagle staff writer Jim Cook has never been one of the species of animal that resides in bat guano, although his college apartment came pretty close. He can be contacted at .