News you can lose

Scientists this week switched on the Large Hadron Collider, and apparently we’re all still alive, but I still have no idea what it does.

Originally, I theorized the Large Hadron Collider is something that “other” news Web site switches on whenever it needs two cars to collide so it can post a good wreck picture, but then I realized the general ineptitude of the typical driver makes such a device totally unnecessary.

So what’s the real purpose of the LHC?

Elementary, my friends. Scientists intend to use the LHC to wring more cash from governments whenever they’re threatened with funding cuts. Scientists will do this by threatening to subject our leaders to a lengthy explanation of what the LHC is and this Higgs Boson thingy it’s supposed to find.

Frightened by unfamiliar things such as facts and evidence, our leaders will cough up big money so they breathe a sigh of relief and go back to arguing about really important stuff like pigs and lipstick.

Also making big news this week was our own little city of Dothan. Apparently, local businessman Larry Blumberg’s initiative to offer Jewish families $50,000 to relocate here got big play from the national press.

Whenever something gets picked up by the national press, we at the Eagle can usually tell because we get a lot of calls asking for information about Dah-than.

When out-of-towners do this, I like to mess with them by making stuff up about the area, telling them that we court our women by naming our pigs after them, or that it’s a good thing they caught me because I was just about to climb down from the telephone pole because there’s four other people waiting to use the town phone. It’s amazing what you can get people to believe about the South.

But in all honesty, I’m feeling a little left out by the recruitment drive, because I already live here, and I would totally convert if they’d pay off my student loan and give me a waiver on the dietary rules.

Another big local item that my Internet readers (Hi, Grandma!) will probably find completely irrelevant was the news that the Country Crossing project is being delayed thanks to the possible discovery of some Indian artifacts on-site.

Putting on my tinfoil conspiracy hat, I might be led to theorize that other gambling interests in the state who may feel threatened by the project, let’s call them Boss Hogg and Roscoe, decided to head out to the site and spread a truckload of relics around.

It probably went down a little something like this:

Boss Hogg: Hurry up and spread them artifacts, we gotta keep them Gilley boys from getting all our samoleans!

Roscoe: Don’t you worry Boss, I’m tossing vindaloo, technical support 1-800 numbers and statues of that Buddha feller all over the place.

Boss Hogg: Vindaloo? Statues of the Buddha? We is supposed to be disseminating Native American Indian material, not them other Indians. You got the wrong Indians you big idjit!

I suppose it could be worse, however. Just think of what would happen to the Country Crossing project if they had found the Higgs Boson out there instead.

Do not taunt the Happy Fun Boson, e-mail Jim Cook at .