Going too far

 When thinking about Australia, the images that usually come to my mind are kangaroos and laid back people who taunt dangerous animals and occasionally stop muggings by whipping out machetes and saying, "That’s not a knoife, this is a knoife."

Of course, everything I know about Australia I learned from Foster’s beer commercials and the film careers of Steve Irwin and Paul Hogan. So, it’s probably not a big surprise to find out that Australia is just as uptight as America.

Case in point, an employment company hiring Santas for the holidays in Sydney recently instructed their employees not to say "ho, ho, ho," according to the Daily Telegraph. Apparently, company management felt that saying "ho, ho, ho" would be offensive to women, because they might think Santa had mistaken them for Britney Spears. Instead, the Santas were instructed to say "ha, ha, ha," which will just make them think that Santa is laughing at their outfit.

Only an idiot or Britney Spears would assume that a fat man in a red suit saying "ho, ho, ho" is using the word in its hip-hip context rather than its Yuletide context. This is yet another example of the absurd lengths we go to in order to prevent the ultimate modern sin: appearing to be insensitive.

What comes next? Do we ban the Easter Bunny because PETA thinks we’re unfairly exploiting rabbits for their eggs? Shall we rename the Tooth Fairy because the word "fairy" might be offensive because it’s sometimes used as a negative reference to homosexuals? Will Groundhog Day be called off because thanks to therapy and antidepressants these woodland creatures have overcome their fear of their shadows? Will we celebrate the Fourth of July by sending tea bags and hand-written letters of apology to the U.K.?

Listen, I hate the holidays as much as anyone who realizes that spending multiple days at home with one’s family involves much more work, stress and aggravation than anything that could possibly happen at work. And I’m not one of those crazies who think the nation is going to plunge into a dark age and begin to worship Cthulu the Baby Destroyer if people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." (Body piercing, North Florida and reality television will bring us to our dark master’s many-tentacled embrace.)

I do, however, think that it’s a bit absurd that we cancel events or change long-standing traditions observed and loved by the vast majority of people just because it may give one or two people a brain wedgie.

If holiday displays or customs annoy you, just ignore them. Or better yet, go home and start reproducing. Eventually, one of two things will happen:

1.) You and like minded individuals will have bred yourselves into the majority, giving you the numbers to tell the rest of us what to do;

2.) All the good lovin’ will have mellowed you out.

Until then, let the fat man have his hos.

Hey, what are you doing looking for an e-mail address to send a nasty letter to? Don’t you have some reproducing to attend to? Turn on the Barry White and forget about sending anything to .