ALL CAPS AWESOME

I’d like to take the following 600 or so words to express my deep and abiding admiration for all those wonderful people who type in all caps when they send e-mails or post on blogs.

I’ve often remarked to my colleagues and friends about how impressed I am with the proclamations of those who choose to type in all caps. There’s nothing that adds intellectual heft and gravitas to an argument like throwing off the melancholy burden of proper capitalization, flipping on that sexy little green light on the caps lock key and just banging away your opinion on various topics such as evolution, ninjas and President Obama’s Vulcan heritage.

Let’s face it, if you get an e-mail from some pantywaist who insists on hitting the shift key at various intervals during his missive, after a while, you probably start thinking, “Geez, what a toolbox.” But get an e-mail from someone who doesn’t follow the rules, who boldly proclaims his opinions in all half-inch tall letters and I bet you $10 you probably start thinking, “Wow, this guy’s got a point, and I bet he has a motorcycle and an awesome tattoo with his ex-wife’s name on it too that he got in Chino.”

Just last week I received an e-mail from my credit card company, and after wading through all those big letters and little letters I determined that I apparently owe them some money. Fat chance of them getting it, though. Yeah, they said something about jacking up the interest rate and fines and the like, but judging from their lack of big letters, it’s pretty obvious that they don’t have the resources or the stones to pursue it. Then on the same day, I also received an e-mail claiming that the WORLD WAS FLAT AND THAT THE GLOBE IS JUST A CONSPIRACY BY THE MASONS. After reading this, I considered never driving farther west than Andalusia ever again, because who knows where the edge is? But then I remembered that I had been to Kansas one time when I was 10 with my grandparents, so the edge is probably somewhere else, like Melbourne, Australia.

Typing in all caps just makes you seem like you know what you’re talking about, even if you don’t. I believe in it so much that I try to get all the professionals that I deal with to talk in all caps if at all possible. It just makes them sound more believable. Just yesterday my doctor was telling me that taking a bath in bleach every day would not prevent syphilis, and I totally did not believe him until I was able to get him to talk in an all-capish voice. It took several times but eventually he hit the right pitch and immediately after leaving his office I took 12 gallon jugs of Clorox back to Target. Here’s another example drawn from a visit to the auto-repair shop:

Mechanic: Mr. Cook, it looks like you’re going to need a new timing belt.

Me: Yeah right.

Mechanic: No man, if you drive out of here, that belt could snap at any time and seriously damage your engine.

Me: You know what it’s going to take.

Mechanic: Knew I should have taken cabinet making at Wallace instead ... All right, MR. COOK, YOU NEED A TIMING BELT.

Me: Oh geez, I bet I need an air filter too, right?

My point, if I have one, is this: If you’re writing in all caps, keep it up. By typing in all caps you allow your reader to immediately ascertain your level of intelligence and the importance of your letter without having to go to all the trouble of actually reading it.

JIM COOK CAN BE CONTACTED AT .