Health care happy hour

Leave it to Russia to come up with a health care reform that even I can get behind.

Russian soccer fans headed to Britain are being advised by their government to drink Welsh whiskey to avoid catching swine flu while they’re out of the country. I personally would also advise getting plastered before a soccer game just to keep from getting bored to death, but that’s a subject for a Sunday when I’m in the mood to get all caps hate mail from soccer moms.

Considering the Russian government’s recent advisory to its citizenry, I think that it’s advisable to revise our history textbooks to say that the Soviet Union didn’t so much fall as it passed out in a puddle of its own vomit in the bathtub. But while the Russian government’s suggestion to its citizens might seem a little silly, consider this: Britain has had thousands of swine flu cases since the outbreak began, Russia has had only 55. Vladimir Putin has personally judo chopped more people to death while shirtless than have been killed by swine flu.

Because of the Russian government’s unlikely success in managing swine flu, perhaps a little Russian wisdom and Welsh spirits would help us unravel the knotty health care issue our own country is currently facing.

Let me start by saying that I don’t understand the health care issue. It’s too damn complicated. Do you have to sacrifice quality and innovation to make coverage more accessible for the underserved, or is there a middle ground that can be taken? Does private industry do a good job of running the system, or could the government do it better? Is socialized medicine necessarily a bad thing? It’s got to beat anti-social medicine at least, right?

I do have a few ideas at the most basic level that I would like to see implemented, however.

I would like to see better magazines in the doctor’s office. I’m tired of reading the same Reader’s Digest article about Kirk Cameron every time I get a head cold. Doctors are pulling down six figures or more per year, it’s not going to hurt them to spring for a few new copies of “Ladies Home Journal,” “Esquire,” “GQ” or “Barely Legal.”

Waiting times at doctors’ offices are annoying. I’d like to see them run more along the lines of a restaurant, where you sign in and get one of those little vibrating thingies that let you know when you’re up. That way you can do something productive while you wait, like change the oil in your car, meet the significant other for a sickie quickie or shop. The doctor’s office could make the wait seem shorter by having the nursing staff hand out syringes of B-12 patients can inject while they wait, sort of like how fast food joints go ahead and give you your soft drink so you don’t get ticked off waiting for your McNuggets.

I also really don’t think drug companies should be allowed to advertise their products, unless it’s in a full-page color newspaper ad. I’m extremely tired of hearing how ol’ boy’s going to keep his sweetie safe from getting herpes, or how if you’re taking that Yaz stuff it’s pretty much a given that you’re going to die a horrible, painful death, but you won’t have any acne or be pregnant.

These ideas should be implemented by Congress immediately. Then afterward, our leaders should shoot a few Jaeger bombs and then tackle health care, which after a few shots will resemble a giant talking penguin.

Jim Cook can be reached at . Keep your e-mails quiet, Jim has a headache.