Judgment call

When you write a semi-funny column that occasionally points out the follies and foibles of others, sooner or later you’re bound to have someone ask you that age-old question, “What gives you the right to judge?”

My usual answer: Experience.

I judge just about everyone I meet based on various shallow beliefs about appearance, posture, mouth-breathing, pronunciation of certain words, knowledge of esoteric pop culture and number and placement of tattoos. In fact, I’ve got so much experience judging people, I practically deserve a Supreme Court seat.

Of course, if the person asking is much larger than me, I immediately start stuttering and apologizing, but when I tell my friends about it later I lie and make myself sound witty and clever and totally omit the part about me soiling myself in fear.

My point, if I have one, is that judging others gets a bad rap, but really it’s a very helpful practice.

Judging others is a survival skill. For example, if you see a man with a hockey mask and a machete, the non-judgmental thing to do would be to greet him and ask him to share a little with you about his enthusiasm for sports equipment and large knives. Chances are that your outreach to this fellow will, at the very least, result in him sharing the large knife enthusiasm with you. Congrats, your non-judgmental attitude has opened you up to a new experience. The downer: You’ve been opened up, literally.

By judging others, we reinforce the values and beliefs of our particular group. Nothing gives purpose to or unites people like something to be against. By figuring out who we don’t want to be like, we can pinpoint behaviors that will result in us becoming those people and choose accordingly.

Judging others is also an awesome self-esteem booster. The next time you feel a little down about yourself, head to your local bar and do a little people watching. Fairly soon you’ll see someone that you’re incredibly happy that you are not. It could be the old guy sporting the Members Only jacket, or perhaps the young guy who’s had a little too much to drink and is about to be lured to the cougar’s den. A trip to Walmart also serves this purpose. There’s nothing like the sound of a motorized scooter struggling under the weight of a land whale to boost one’s sense of self worth.

Some folks might argue that judgmental people are enemies of diversity. This could not be further from the truth. Diversity is like Neapolitan ice cream to judgmental people. Having folks that are different from us around gives us a wide variety of traits and characteristics we can criticize and belittle. After all, just having one group of people to deride just gets plain boring after a while.

Land whales and mouth-breathers can judge this column at .