Keep idiots at a distance

Of the many irritations in life (outsourced customer support, the lack of good magazines in doctor’s office waiting rooms, FEMA, etc.) perhaps one of the worst is the sinking realization that you’ve wasted valuable minutes of your life in a discussion with an idiot.  
Contrary to what you may believe, not all idiots are immediately identifiable by vacant, glassy stares, frequent drooling or the wearing of tacky airbrushed T-shirts they picked up in Florida.
Unfortunately, some idiots may be able to pass for normal long enough to engage you in conversation. You may enter a conversation thinking that you’re talking with a reasonably intelligent person, only to later realize that you’re about to be subjected to an hour long recap about what’s doing on reality television.
There are certain verbal cues that can tip you off to the presence of an idiot, however. Picking up on these cues can help you beat a hasty retreat. Here are a few:
Nostradamus said… Anyone who puts stock in this guy is a moron. Why would anyone who could see the future obscure his predictions in a book of silly poems that can be interpreted to mean anything. How about something straightforward like, “Don’t buy the Chinese toys,” “O.J. did it,” or “Buy Google?”  
People who talk non-stop about their children… Believe it or not, billions of people on this planet have procreated, and the offspring of these unions have eaten, slept, pooped and said cute things. This is not a unique occurrence exclusive to you, and while some of these stories are amusing, if it’s the only thing you talk about, you’ve merged a little too deeply with the collective, Picard. For your listeners’ sake, please try to recall the time when you were an “I” instead of a “we.”
I’m not religious but I’m spiritual… People who trot out this line are just flakes. They either want the whole relationship with the higher power thing but don’t want to sit through all the organ music or they’re atheists and agnostics who don’t want to come out of the closet.
When someone gives me the old, “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual,” line, I generally respond by saying, “Funny you should say that because I’m not spiritual, but I’m religious. I don’t much care about establishing some connection with a higher power, I just really enjoy following rules. I only eat fish on Fridays, I pray facing Mecca and I’m always up for a good adulteress stoning. It is kind of tough finding clothes not woven of two types of threads, but that’s what e-Bay’s for.”
I don’t really mean it—I’ll eat steak on any day of the week, but I enjoy the deer-in-headlights look I get when I set off this mind bomb in the average idiot’s head.
It’s for the children… It’s completely repugnant whenever some official or do-gooder group seeks to justify whatever agenda they’re pushing by saying it’s for the little booger-eaters and characterizing anyone who opposes their idea as Cruella DeVille. It’s the intellectual equivalent of using a child as a human shield.
The industry can police itself… Good grief people, the police can’t even police themselves.
Phish fans… Don’t get me wrong, I respect the music of this band, but their fans tend to be flaky and smell bad.
Well, according to the consultant… I have tremendous respect for consultants. Anyone who can convince others that they should be paid vast sums of money for making PowerPoint presentations about vague, semi-coherent jibber-jabber that offers no concrete analysis or solution to anything is my kind of scoundrel. I have complete contempt for anyone who would actually pay these con artists, however. Most of the work done by consultants can generally be done in-house by anyone who can read and has a telephone and Internet access.
Most organizations hire consultants when they already know what they want to do, but want someone who sounds like a pro to suggest it in order to lend it more credibility and a convenient scapegoat to attach blame to in case the idea fails.

There’s a reason for everything… The average idiot tends to have a very self-centered view of the universe. If a tree falls on his car, or if he loses his job it’s all part of some cosmic design which centers the entire universe around their individual existence.
Stuff just happens. The meaning is in what you choose to make of it.
Anyone who says or mentions more than one of the above statements or topics in a conversation is most likely an idiot. If cornered in conversation with an idiot, you should escape immediately. There are many good tactics for doing so.
If you’re at a party, tell the idiot that he has raised some good points and call one of your friends over. Have the idiot begin blathering to said friend and beat a hasty retreat. Other good escape tactics include faking a cell phone call to yourself, faking a diarrhea attack or whacking the idiot with a lead pipe if there are no witnesses nearby.
Life is short. You don’t have time for idiots.
Jim Cook can be reached at .