Let the games begin

Like most Americans, I’ve managed to catch some of the highlights of the Olympic games this week, such as Michael Phelps victories in various swimming competitions, and the media’s submissions of the Great Fireworks Display Debacle and Underage Gymnastgate in the Petty Nonsense Controversy Event.

While the events have been enjoyable, I must admit I feel a little detached from them, a feeling I think many other folks share. After all, these are events that most of us could never hope to compete in, and most of the athletes have bodies that hardly anyone in Dothan could ever aspire to having, especially considering the number or restaurants per capita in this town.

To make the Olympics a little more relevant to the common man, I suggest the inclusion of a few events that would likely be familiar to average Joes throughout the world and especially here.

Liberal bashing — Linking those on the left to just about all of the world’s problems has become an art form second only to the mysteries of tattooing folks and air-brushing car tags. If this becomes an Olympic event, expect a strong challenge from Earl John Longjohn of Midland City, who once opined: “Global warming ain’t caused by coal plants and cars, it’s caused by all that hot air coming out of Michael Moore’s mouth.”

Divorce — With the area’s high rate of marriage bust-ups, it’s obvious that divorce has become a competitive sport in the Wiregrass. An Olympic divorce event would award points based on favorable outcomes regarding property, alimony and child custody. Just to give the men a fair shake, a sports trivia and video game round will be added to divorce proceedings.

Referring to that Alabama/Auburn thing at odd times — The other day when I was at a meeting I heard somebody finish the Pledge of Allegiance like this: “ ... with liberty and justice for all. Roll Tide!” I find it puzzling why people feel the need to say “Roll Tide” or “War Eagle” when discussing topics completely unrelated to football. Maybe it’s a form of benign Tourette’s?

In the Olympic event, competitors would be asked to find away to insert “War Eagle” or “Roll Tide” into a conversation as many times as possible without it being noticed by the other participants.

Chain smoking — Is it just me, or does it seem like kids around here go directly to smoking as soon as they’re weaned? It seems to me like we should make the most of our blackened lungs by holding a competitive athletic event where contestants are placed inside a 1994 Ford Festiva with a few cartons and told to light up. Whoever can stay in there the longest wins.

Creative spelling — Judging from some of the reader responses on our Web site and a few of the e-mails I get, some folks around here take a “Choose Your Own Adventure” approach to spelling. (I’d be more full of it than usual if I didn’t admit to my own failings at this; I’ve been lobbying the good people at Webster’s for years to replace “effect” and “affect” with the single word “uffect,” because I figure it would eliminate some confusion and that’s how everyone pronounces those two words, anyway.)

Copper theft — In this event, contestants would be judged on how quickly they could break into an industrial facility and strip it of all copper components. Instead of awarding medals, we’ll cut to the chase and just hand out meth to the winners.

These new Olympic events would showcase some of the great talents of the people of the Wiregrass and would probably be a lot more entertaining than some of the events they currently show.

While there might be quite a few Doubting Thomases who don’t believe these events would be approved by the governing officials of the Olympics, I choose to remain hopeful. After all, if ESPN can televise poker and spelling bees, I don’t see why broadcasting a few guys inhaling a cartons of unfiltered Camels while linking Nancy Pelosi to the spread of Kudzu, Roll Tide, would be such a War Damn Eagle stretch.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start will get you 30 lives on Contra. All it takes to contact Jim Cook is sending an e-mail to .