Mommy Madonna?
Madonna recently got turned down to adopt a child from Malawi, which my sources tell me is a country somewhere.
Apparently, the courts over there decided that it’s better for the child to live as an orphan in a country where the life expectancy is 43, about 15 percent of the population is infected with HIV and people still die from malaria than to go live with some rich lady in an awesome mansion.
Maybe they heard she used to date Dennis Rodman or saw a bootleg copy of “Shanghai Surprise.”
And before anyone starts calling me a cultural imperialist or any other sort of -ist, let me remind you that I voted for Obama, and therefore I’ve got immunity for life from any sort of challenge to my political correctness credentials or attempts to boot me off the island.
Anyhow, if Madonna’s not able to adopt a child from Malawi, I have a wonderful alternative.
Adopt me.
Madonna, in case you happen to be reading the Web site of a newspaper out in the sticks, let me make my pitch. I’m 30, so if you’re feeling a bit maudlin about the emptiness of riches and fame and wondering about the way things might have been, I’d be about the same age as a child you might have had if you had gotten knocked up when you were 20.
Other good points are that I look fabulous in a onesie, I can feed myself and I’m mostly potty trained. I won’t put the toilet seat down when I’m done, but you’ve probably got about 100 up in your house, so I reckon you’ll be able to find one to suit you regardless of whatever I do.
And if you’re the Woody Allen type who likes to mess about with the adoptees, that’s just fine and dandy with me. Part of a mom’s job is to teach her children things, and considering your experience in certain areas, there’s probably quite a bit I could learn from you. You took A-rod to school, now it’s time to give J-rod a lesson.
You won’t even have to give me any “Jesus juice” like Michael Jackson does with his lot, but if you really want to, some Thunderbird, Santana DVX or Captain Morgan would be just fine by me. Heck, I’m even old enough to make the run to the store for you. And I’ll probably need a drink or two for whenever you start yammering about Kabbalah or whatever; I find that talk about spirituality is best tolerated with a liberal dose of spirits.
Best of all, while many rich parents are unsure if their children really love them or just want their money, you won’t ever have to wonder about that one with me.
Love you, mommy.
Jim Cook can be reached at , or wherever 30-year-old men can be adopted on the black market.
Reader Reactions
Like many authors who defend Madonna, this one does not seem to remember that Madonna had her first adopted child, David Banda, tested for HIV/AIDS before taking him to live with her in Britain.
I seriously doubt that Madonna had any intent of adopting a kid who already had any type of disease.
So the author’s point about children dying in African orphanages from HIV/AIDS is rather moot.
David Banda’s real father, Yohane, is still alive, and he stated he wanted to keep David, but he could not because he did not earn enough income to do so.
According to Camille Barbone (who was an early manager of Madonna’s), and Erica Belle, Mark Kamins, and various biographies about Madonna, Madonna had sexual relations with, and other sorts of inappropriate contact with, people under the age of 18, when she was in her twenties.
These old friends of Madonna’s have stated in interviews, for example, that Madonna used to pick up underage Latino boys in early 1980s New York and have sex with them in a limo.
(When later asked about this, of course Madonna denied it - if someone is a pedophile, of course they’re not going to admit to it.)
Kamins stated that back in the early 1980s that Madonna (again, who was in her twenties at the time) would have young Puerto Rican kids/teens in her New York apartment, because she was having sex with them all.
Barbone said she caught 26- or 27- year old Madonna sticking her tongue down the throat of Barbone’s 16- year- old cousin, and when confronted, Madonna didn’t see anything wrong with this.
Madonna kissed a 12- year- old boy during her “Who’s That Girl” tour and her “Open Your Heart” video in such a suggestive and inappropriate way that even her then-husband, Sean Penn, was furious about it.
I do not believe a woman who has a history of questionable conduct with children, who sees nothing wrong with a woman age 25+ “making out” with a boy under age 18, to be suitable parent material.
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