Protect children from Vulcans and free thinking

Many parents are upset that President Barack Obama will address their kids in class via television about the importance of education Tuesday, believing that if their kids actually take a break from shooting spitballs and making pooty noises with their armpits to watch it for a few seconds, it will somehow be worse for them than those books they’re reading about sissy vampires.

I can totally see their point.

After all, Obama is not an American like you and I, he’s not even a human. As evidenced by his pointy ears and use of logic, it is obvious that Obama is a Vulcan, just like that Tuvok guy off of “Star Trek Voyager.” It sets a horrible example for our children to let illegal aliens beam across our borders and take our jobs, even ones that nobody in their right mind would take, like being president.

You might argue that past presidents have made speeches aimed at the nation’s youth about drug use and other relevant issues, but things have changed. Today’s schoolchildren just wouldn’t be able to handle seeing a speech by the president. You see, back in the day when schools taught critical thinking, the schoolchildren would have been able to compare any political propaganda that might be included in what Obama said against their own values and viewpoints and accept the good arguments, if any, he made, and toss out the silly liberal mularkey. Unfortunately, thanks to budget cuts, all schools can afford to teach these days is complimentary pondering, so if exposed to viewpoints other than the ones they’ve been taught at home, their little heads will fry and they’ll immediately start engaging in anti-social behavior such as running international drug cartels and getting one another pregnant.

Now, many schools have vowed not to air the president’s speech, but I wouldn’t trust them for a minute. After all, these are the same folks who gave us mystery meat. So, if you must send your child to school on Tuesday, I suggest you do the following:

Step One: Instead of allowing your child to watch cartoons in the morning, give them a good double dose of the Glenn Beck Program to get them grounded in right thinking. Don’t worry, they won’t complain, because Beck’s show is just as close to reality as Pokemon and is aimed at the same grade level as Dora the Explorer.

Step Two: Fit your child with a “mental chastity helmet.” This is basically a motorcycle helmet where the visor has been painted over with black paint. Your child might have trouble navigating the hallways with his vision impaired in this manner, but at least he won’t be able to see that darn Vulcan Obama.

Step Three: Plug up your child’s ears with cotton swabs. This way your child will be unable to hear the president’s speech, or the taunts of, “Hey $*#&#, what’s with the dorky helmet?” from his or her classmates.

Step Four: Make them wear an extra set of underwear. This serves a dual purpose: A) You never know what that Barney Frank might beam at the children over the airwaves; and B) gives them an extra pair after their originals get ripped by classmates giving them wedgies.

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