Random nonsense

For this week’s column, instead of a long-winded tirade on whatever topic I’ve chosen to bloviate about, you’ll be treated to five short-winded rants on select current events.

Why the change?

I’m trying to convince a doctor I’ve got fibromyalgia so I can get a government check and a Dr. House-sized bottle of pills I can pop, so I’ve got to work on looking lazy.

Here we go:

Big Brotha Please: I’ll be glad when these local elections are over because I’m tired of seeing all these signs in the back of pickup trucks.

Dothan already looks tacky enough with about 20 title loan joints dotting our main drag like zits on the prom queen’s nose, but dang if our would-be leaders don’t have to make it worse by parking pickup trucks alongside of the road with signs in the back of them saying “Vote for Dippity Do-Da, He’s Slightly Less of a Jerk Than the Other Guy.”

Here’s an idea for our next mural: Why don’t we paint a couple of pink flamingos and a Camaro up on blocks flanked by a lady holding a baby on one hip while smoking a Virginia Slim?

Meet the new mullah, same as the old mullah: Apparently we’re all supposed to be upset because the Iranian government fudged their election, leaving Mamoud Amademajad in power. Upon a little research however, it turns out the other guy ain’t much better. Mir Hossein Mousavi apparently was one of the founders of Hezbollah and had political prisoners executed.

Personally, I’d just settle for the old days when the power mad dictators we had to worry about had names we could pronounce, like Hitler, Stalin or Steinbrenner.

Nice Tweets: Lindsay Lohan recently posted a topless photo of herself to Twitter.

Yawn.

I know the journalism world has gone gaga over Twitter, hoping to actually catch the boat on new media for once, but I have to admit that I find the whole thing rather annoying. I don’t need to know every insignificant detail of everyone’s life. I only have x amount of give-a-damn per day, and I can’t be wasting it on why Amanda is so upset with the service at the Coldstone.

Don’t violate your parole: If you’ve recently divorced and are thinking about getting married again, don’t.

You’ve put in quite a bit of time, money and effort getting out of your Supermax marriage, why would you want to turn around and get stuck in the hole again?

Getting married just after you got divorced is sort of like if that guy from “The Shawshank Redemption” turned around and tunneled his way back into jail after putting in all those years of work digging out of there.

Enjoy your freedom for a few years. Sure you might need to learn how to do your own laundry or cut your own grass, but just remember the nightmare you just escaped.

Pre-paid tuition: Here’s a bit of couple’s advice that will significantly reduce arguments on the weekend: Take care of business before you go out to the club. Ladies, if you go ahead and take care of your man before you go out, he won’t get grouchy if you want to stay out until 3 a.m. or when you talk to your guy friends, because he’s already gotten his. No dude wants to be up ‘til 4 a.m. and have to buy you drinks and food just for the possibility of getting a little lovin’. If you go ahead and prepay, he’ll be happier, and the experience will probably be better anyway because he won’t be grouchy and tired.

Eagle Staff Writer Jim Cook can be reached at . He won’t write you back because his fibromyalgia is acting up.