Searching for the next bubble to burst

Now that the dot.coms and housing have played out, I’m sure the average investor is craving a new bubble to tie their fortunes to in hopes that this time they’ll be smart enough to cash in their chips before going broke.

The question is, what’s the next bubble? I have a few ideas concerning what the next silly trend Americans will get irrationally exuberant about.

The adult entertainment industry would be the perfect candidate for a bubble. Because of the prevalence of silicone in adult entertainment, the industry is used to fake things that rise. Also when the whole thing comes crashing down like all bubbles do, the investors left holding the bag could take consolation from the fact that even though they got hosed, at least it was done by professionals.

If that doesn’t work, the time is ripe for a flood of investment into the newspaper industry. Guided by the most forward-seeing corporate leadership in the nation, the industry shrewdly anticipated the rise of the Internet and successfully adapted, adopting new styles of news gathering and distribution suited to New Media and successfully implementing advertising and marketing strategies that leveraged its existing strengths to swamp any possible competition by upstarts. Uh, yeah ... I’m lying, but please give us some money, anyway. I’m about 35 years away from retirement, and I don’t want to have to go find a real job where I have to do things like show up on time.

The bottled water industry has made a killing off of the belief of most Americans that fluoridated and purified tap water is somehow nasty, but bottled water from a hole in the ground somewhere is somehow better. This same business model can be applied to air. Very soon, I expect to see little bottles with oxygen masks being sold in Walgreens and the CVS. Maybe in different scented varieties like orange, apple or tango. Bottled air breathers will happily inhale the fumes in the smug confidence that the refined oxygen they’re inhaling makes them superior to all those trashy folks who have to breathe the free air that’s just floating around out there.

Investors would likely make a killing if they were able to buy shares of psychiatric practices. ADD, ADHD; new disorders are being discovered all the time, ensuring that while the oil and coal and gas may be gone one day, the one thing America will never run out of is crazy.

Another likely avenue for investment is the movies. A futures market should be created where investors can bet on the performance of soon-to-premiere films. My vision is a dynamic market where a movie’s value skyrockets on news that one of its actors has died in an accidental overdose, or craters when its announced that Jennifer Lopez has joined the cast, or that it will feature a nude scene by Richard Simmons. Of course, the market would be widely vulnerable by manipulation by outsiders who might engage in activities like waving some pills at Lindsay Lohan or telling the eating disorder Olsen twin that she’s looking a bit heavy.

Personally, I’m hoping that the next bubble to rise and fall will be the adult entertainment industry. I’m looking forward to watching the Congressional hearings on CSPAN when the bubble bursts and industry leaders go to the government asking for a bailout. It’ll give a whole new meaning to the phrase “pork project.”

Jim Cook can be reached at .