Squeal like a pig, boy!!!

Spring is here and it appears the must-have fashion item of the season is going to be surgical masks.

Folks all over the world are embracing surgical masks as a means of staving off swine flu, which apparently is a really big deal and not some hyped-up media trend like shark attacks and missing-white-girl syndrome.

No, for real. We promise this time.

Semi-celebrities such as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (free roll of toilet paper for the first reader who can tell me who these people are) were recently spotted at an airport wearing the masks. I actually called in sick to work today claiming swine flu.

Jim: Hey man, I think I should stay home today. I had a ham sandwich yesterday, and I think I may have the swine flu.

Bossperson: Well, even though the overall quality of the paper does go up when you’re off, we do need one moron here to meet our Americans Who Are Just Plain Stupid Act quota, so please show up.

Jim: Knew I should have had the BLT.

Back to the topic, if there is one, the fashion industry is catching on to the trend, and is starting to design masks with a little more panache than your standard light blue number.

I have a few ideas for the surgical mask designers. A hemp surgical mask would be a best seller for our hippie friends. The greenie weenies would rejoice at a recycled paper mask. For the trophy wives among us, a Zanax or Loritab inhaler mask would be primo. For their husbands, a special surgical mask with a cyanide capsule would come in handy for when the credit card bill comes due.

A sexy addition to the mix would be a thong mask, which would cover the nose and then have a tiny little strip that ran down from the upper lip to the chin before looping back up to the ears. This would be a great business opportunity for Victoria’s Secret to branch out from boobies and butts to barely covering other body parts.

While the swine flu will be a boon for the designer surgical mask industry, it will be a bane for hog farmers, because it’s never good for business to have a disease named after your product.

I imagine the farm lobby will soon be pushing Congress to rename the virus. My suggestion is that we should mitigate any economic damage this may cause by naming the virus after something few people use or something that doesn’t happen much. Maybe the Christmas Fruit Cake Virus, the Public Transportation Virus, the Newspaper Corporation Good Business Decision Virus or the Proper Use of Contraceptives Virus.

Jim Cook can be reached at or wherever city folk are asked to squeal like pigs.