Jim Cook: The honeynuts have spoken

Believe it or not, going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs may get you a spot on the next episode of “Intervention.“

According to the latest from the Food and Drug Administration, cereal is a drug.

The FDA recently sent the maker of Cheerios a warning that advertising for the cereal cause it to be a drug because the advertising claims that it’s intended for use in the prevention, mitigation and treatment of disease.

You don’t have to be Captain Crunch to see the ocean of possibilities and problems here.

Now that cereal has been classified as a drug, I predict the FDA will look into its addictive and dangerous qualities and move to ban it.

Soon enough, I expect we’ll also see some shocking revelations concerning celebrities’ cereal use, such as the little known fact that Richard Pryor, did not, in fact, burn himself while making freebase. He just found out he was lactose intolerant the hard way over a bowl of Frosted Flakes one morning.

Then we’ll likely see a criminal investigation of some of the big names behind cereal sales. With monikers like Tony the Tiger, Count Chocula and Sugar Bear, it’s blatantly obvious that there’s Mafia and gangsta activity in the seedy underbelly of the cereal trade.

Eventually the government is likely to declare a “War on Cereal.“ The government will likely pass the Adam Rondeau Act and start a program to attack the problem at it’s source: America’s farms. Expect a program aimed at halting agricultural production…oh, nevermind, we already did that with NAFTA.

At some point, as cereal companies are forced underground, I expect devotees to whole grain goodness will start making their own cereal. Of course this is dangerous, because amateur cereal cooks can run the risk of blowing up their houses in a flavor explosion. Stores will have to start limiting the amount of oats and honey customers can purchase per trip.

Cereal bowls will only be sold in head shops, and customers will have to refer to them as “soup dishes” or else be kicked out and subjected to a Wicca curse from the hippie girl behind the counter.

And of course, rehabilitation programs will have to be started for folks with cereal problems. Remember, the first step is to admit that you have no power over the temptation of nuts and honey and to ask a higher power, such as Pop Tarts or maybe Rudy Farm Sausage and Biscuts for help.

Seriously, I’m not one of these people who hate the government and think it’s incapable of doing anything right. The truth is there are quite a few things the government does well, like roads and the military and helping the poor. And I realize that a lot of times the government is the only shield, however flimsy, that we have between us and the rapacious avarice of the rich and powerful.

But classifying cereal as a drug? How can I defend that? What could I possibly say?

Silly government, Trix are for kids.

Jim Cook is trying to figure out what to do with some crushed up Fruit Loops and a dollar bill. Send him some tips at .