They just don’t make ‘em like they used to

Let’s face it, most things today just aren’t built as well as they were in the past.

Dinky low-flow toilets that take three flushes and a plunging to dispatch the remains of taco night, cruddy columns that appear in the paper on Sunday underneath a picture of a Mr. Bean look-a-like — it doesn’t matter what it is, things just aren’t as well put-together as they once were.

Unfortunately, this trend of shoddy workmanship has extended to our kids.

How else can you explain the various allergies and other problems our progeny are afflicted with these days? Peanut butter, once the staple of sack lunches and picnics everywhere, is now a deadly allergen, one that kids should only be allowed to eat if they’re wearing a helmet or if a consultant has tasted it first. (Consultants make good food tasters, because let’s face it, they’re pretty much useless for all practical purposes, making them expendable.)

When I was a kid, we shot bb guns at each other, caught snakes and jumped out of trees. In my grandfather’s time, kids actually had jobs when they weren’t busy beating the hell out of Nazis and ninja. These days I wouldn’t be surprised if I read a story about a kid keeling over from low self-esteem or lactose intolerance. God help them if they ever had to face a ninja with a bb gun. It’d be a Red Ryder massacre.

The root of this problem lies in the fact that folks just aren’t putting as much effort into their baby-making as they did in times past. Back in the old days, folks didn’t have the distractions they do today such as the Internet, motorscooters and exfoliation, and thus had more time to put into the effort of making babies. According to some historical research I’ve done, some folks even put five to 10 minutes into the process. Folks just aren’t putting the same amount of time and care into it these days, resulting in all these little albino children with no chins who are allergic to air and need to wear kneepads to nap time.

In order to bring sturdy children into the world, folks need to slow down a little and put some pride into their work, perhaps following some precepts applicable to other construction work.

Like many construction projects, baby-making probably shouldn’t be a do-it-yourselfer for everyone. Some of us just don’t have the skills for it. If you doubt your ability to handle the job, perhaps you should consider hiring a professional. I’ve become a bit of a journeyman myself in the field, so for a reasonable fee I’m more than willing to come to your house and advise you on the process, or for a slightly higher fee, even handle the job myself. My rates are extremely reasonable, seeing how I consider this a public service.

If you decide to do it on your own, there are many how-to guides on proper baby construction, and a wide variety of instructional movies available on the Internet. Please remember that safety is a must, however, and follow these common safety rules:

- Lift with your knees and not your back.

- Wear a helmet or appropriate safety glasses.

- If using a ladder, make sure it’s OSHA approved.

With a little extra effort and care, we can once again produce children capable of digesting common foods and going outside without needing an ambulance on standby.

Baby-making contractor Jim Cook can be reached at .