July 17, 2008

Pest control for the modern man

Before starting this column I’d like to go ahead and apologize to Barack Obama. This column’s not about him, but I just want to go ahead and make sure I’m covered, just in case.

Tips for successful secession

Fizzled news story of the day: A group of Lakota Indians have withdrawn from treaties with the U.S. and announced plans to form their own nation.

E-mail karma

My e-mail inbox reminds me daily of how big and important I am.

Oh, baby

For this week’s installment of There Ought to be a Law, I turn to the subject of baby clothes.

Tips to boost newspaper sales

If you’re reading this, I hope you bought it at a newsstand and didn’t just pick it up off the bathroom floor at a fast food joint.

Lost in TV Land

Just about every day you can hear someone claim that the world is getting worse and worse and in the near future mankind will be ruled by talking apes.

Going too far

When thinking about Australia, the images that usually come to my mind are kangaroos and laid back people who taunt dangerous animals and occasionally stop muggings by whipping out machetes and saying, "That’s not a knoife, this is a knoife."

America celebrates 40 years with the microwave

Back in 1945, engineer Percy Spencer of the Raytheon Company discovered the power of microwaves by accident when he noticed the chocolate bar in his pocket melted while he stood next to a device called a magnetron.

Not ready for subprime

If you have a job and $100 you can buy a Kia, but a house might need to wait.
As far as I can tell, that’s the root of this credit crunch that has sent investors into a frenzy of buying, selling, nailbiting and sweating.

Can’t see the point of camouflage

I don’t see what the deal is with this camouflage clothing trend. Then again, it’s camouflage, so maybe that’s the point.

June 01, 2008

Abstaining from Sex in the City

In this column I shall address a subject of great importance to all men: How to get out of going to see the “Sex in the City” movie.

I’m not totally knocking the series. Much like women’s studies courses, Oprah and issues of Cosmo found in the bathroom, “Sex in the City” can provide useful insights into the mind of the enemy. However, this insight should be tempered with the advice of Freidrich Nietzsche, who once said, “When you gaze too long into the abyss, it also gazes into you.”

April 20, 2008

Got no talent, but still want to be a celebrity?

I’ve got good news for you. Now more than ever, technology and our culture have made it easy for morons like you and me to capture the public’s attention.

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