Military families struggle while spouses deployed

Soldiers obviously have to make sacrifices and a serious commitment when they’re deployed overseas.

Not as obvious, however, are the sacrifices and commitment made by their spouses back home.

“It is definitely harder being the family left behind than the soldier being deployed,” said Army 1st Lt. Josh Henderson, a Geneva County native who deployed to Iraq in 2006. “There is no doubt in my mind about that.”

On the surface, that claim may seem hyperbolic, but Henderson is far from alone in his belief.

“There is no doubt in my mind that those of us who deployed knew exactly why we were deployed, what we had to do and why we had to do it, for the most part,” said Sgt. Major Bill Green, who was deployed to Iraq out of Daleville in 2007. “Back home, the families are there without the father or husband or brother or daddy or whatever it happens to be, and it’s very difficult for them to make the adjustment when that particular individual is no longer in the picture. To sort out financial matters, to help make the decision about something, whether it’s plumbing that doesn’t work, washing machines that don’t work or whatever, that spouse has to make those decisions by themselves.”

Jennifer Badger is living proof.

Badger, 33, of Enterprise, watched her husband, Sgt. John Aaron Badger, deploy to Afghanistan in May.

Since then, her life has been hectic, to say the least.

Left in charge of the house and their two children, 5-year-old Kayla and 11-year-old Sean Crowell, Badger has had a litany of issues crop up that would normally be taken care of by her husband.

“Taking care of two kids by myself, taking care of my stepdaughter, his daughter in Arkansas, making sure she’s got school supplies and things like that,” she said. “Basic things that happen, like my dishwasher broke, my air conditioner broke, and yesterday I had to replace the tires on our vehicle.”

Complicating matters for Badger, Kayla was born with hydrocephalus, a condition that requires special attention.

“She requires a lot of extra things, so having that extra person at home would be a big help,” Badger said. “She has to have physical, occupational and speech therapy once a week, which takes an hour and a half out of my day or more because of driving to Ozark, doing therapy and driving back, so she has a lot of challenges. Her developmental (process) is lacking, and we’re trying to keep her on par with the average kindergartener, so we do extra stuff with her.”

She’s been through this process before, when her husband went to Kuwait in 2006, but this time has been tougher.

She said the general public often overlooks the problems faced by wives, husbands and children of those in the military.

“I just left my (job) in July,” Badger said. “One of reasons I left was every time I would say I need to be off to take (Kayla) to physical therapy, I need to be off to go to a school function for (Sean), I need to be off to go to an appointment for myself, they were so harsh.

“My husband and I had always split the duties before. My son is the one who sacrifices because we do these things for Kayla. He gives up doing extracurricular things and stuff like that so we make sure she gets what she needs.”

Her daily routine is almost as regimented as her husband’s military life.

“We get up at about 6 (a.m.),” she said. “I get both of them ready for school, drop them off at their schools (on opposite sides of town), come home, clean, straighten up, do whatever the basic things are. On Tuesday and Thursday, I drive to Ozark for therapy, then take her to school. Because of her physical issues, I have to take her into the school, make sure she gets checked and changed, all that stuff. I pick them up at 3 (p.m.). Tuesday and Thursday we do gymnastics or dance for Kayla, which takes another hour or so out of our day. When I’m done cooking, we have to do beds, baths, all of those kinds of things.”

When Henderson deployed, his wife was seven months pregnant.

“That was our first child, and she had to be mom and dad right off the bat,” he said. “All of the things a husband and wife team would normally do together, she had to do every bit of it, house chores, pay bills, manage money, buy groceries, do pretty much everything. The lifestyles are so regimented when you’re deployed, you rarely have time to think about those things. On the flipside, they’re constantly thinking about it. Things that are normally small are magnified when the soldier is gone.”

Despite the problems at home, most of the families don’t tell the soldiers about their issues.

“To be honest, I really didn’t know everything that had happened while I was gone, because one of the things we stress to our families is if it’s something we can’t fix from where we are, we don’t need to know about it, because we need to focus on the mission at hand,” Henderson said.

Badger said she hasn’t told her husband about any of her issues yet.

“I don’t want to tell him that stuff, because he’s dealing with guys going to the gate with weapons and threatening them,” she said. “He’s in charge of 10 other guys on this mission and guarding civilians. What I have going on here has to be pushed to the side, because I don’t want his mind off those guys and the mission.”

According to Green, that concern for the soldier makes things even tougher for those back home.

“The Army wife or Army husband is the hardest job in the Army,” he said. “Because of what the soldier has to stay focused on during daily basis, (family members) have to be able to pick up and deal with it and run with it. Having that spouse that knows how to deal with that stuff and knows where they could go for help is huge.”

The Army does provide some help to struggling families of soldiers.

“The primary (help) comes from family readiness groups,” Henderson said. “This is something that is Army-wide, whether it be active component, Army Reserve or Army National Guard. In the guard, each of our units has a family readiness group. When a unit is identified as a deployable asset, at least in Alabama, folks at joint forces headquarters are good about sending additional resources to assist that group.”

Badger said the Army’s programs can be helpful, but also confusing.

“There is one (program) called Military Kids, and they offer a $500 grant to children that do any kind of afterschool activity,” she said. “The problem with it is it’s so hard to get into that program as far as the requirements. Their birth certificate has to be an original, not a copy. There are so many things that go into that. Also, we’re having to change doctors midstream. I could go anywhere I want. Now that he’s active duty, I have to use Lyster Army Hospital. Whereas a community doctor’s office might take me a day or two to get in, I might wait two weeks to get into Lyster, and with a special needs child, that’s (not) real fun.”

She did say the community has been a big help.

“The church has been such a great support system,” she said. “They’ve started a program at Hillcrest (Baptist Church) for soldiers called ‘Until They All Come Home.’ They call and make sure the lawns are mowed, ‘Do you need a night out?’ They can watch the kids so you can go see a movie or go and have dinner, just have a little bit of normalcy. We just started a Bible study for deployed spouses called Tour of Duty.”

Despite her struggles, Badger said she’s proud of her husband and his work.

“I would not take that away from him, because he loves being in the Army,” she said. “He was in Tuscaloosa for three weeks (dealing with the tornado damage) before he ever left for the deployment. That’s him. That’s what he loves. I support it. Frustrating? Yes. Hard to deal with? Yes. And do we need more preparation for guard members’ wives prior to deployment? Yes. How to do that, though, is always the question.”